Growing...

Those of you who know me well know that I am on a growth journey. I am continually confronting and resisting the compulsion to settle for "Dave" when God has called and freed me to be "David". Dave symbolizes all of the performance enhancing behaviors resulting from an addiction to religion. David is free to live, free to laugh, and free to dance!

I have come to understand that there are four primary manifestations of feudal thinking that exist within my mind. I tend to default to one or more of these four ways of thinking. I'll address all of them in time but for today let me speak of the first one and perhaps the most powerful of the four. I am very much recovering from an addiction to approval. I have lived most of my life craving the approval of those around me and consequently often prostituting my freedom in order to gain approval. I have felt good about myself only when others have felt good about me. Thus I have lived at the whim of others. The price of this approval addiction has been the denial of my own worth and being. Something clicked within me and I got it years ago in high school. I perform--people applaud--I feel good. The oppositie is equally true: I fail--people boo--I feel bad. And so...much of my life has been wasted performing--trying to earn applause. I can equate it to sports. I loved to play baseball my entire life and yet, at least in high school, I noticed that hardly anyone came to baseball games. Basketball, however, was packed with fans. So what did I do? I played basketball! I'm learning to walk away from the gym and back onto the baseball field. Who cares if nobody is watching?--I simply love to play the game. Surprisingly consistent (as He always is), God has given me a growth prayer today. As I am praying to grow, I have already today had the opportunity to choose between basketball and baseball, between "David" and "Dave". And though I have peered inside the windows of the gym, and for at least a moment, lusted for the roar of the crowd--I have in the end (at least for now with the help of a dear friend) chosen to return to the field of dreams and to allow my heart to dance.

There is a song by Skillet that expresses the emotion of my heart. You can hear the song and watch the lyrics here. You can see the actual music video here.